Posted: Mon, 17 Aug 2009 08:16 AM - 10,470 Readers

By: John Kelso

I’d like to thank Vignette founder Neil Webber for being the only Austinite to make it onto the list of the city’s 10 top water users in each of the past six months.

It’s an Austin drought we’re caught in, so I think it’s important that we have local talent leading the way.

Between February and July, Neil “H2 Oh Oh” Webber used up more than 1.74 million gallons of water. I don’t know if that’s enough to fill up the big hole west of town previously known as Lake Travis, but it’s a start.

Webber did not respond to calls for comment on his water-using habits. Of course he didn’t come to the phone. He was too busy messing with his sprinklers to get to the phone.

Meanwhile, to try to keep the area from drying up and blowing away, the city has come up with a new set of law watering regulations designed to cut down on waste. For example, at my house, used to be I could water two days a week. Now it’s down to one.

Fine with me, because it means I only have to drag out the hose on Sundays. I have more important things to do than fool with yard work. I would much rather be sitting on the recliner watching baseball. So I appreciate the city giving me an excuse to do more couch.

The new water restrictions are pretty stiff. Used to be you could skate if you just told them you were a dumb ass. No more. If you get caught watering wrong, it could set you back at least $400.

My main problem with the new watering regulations is that they don’t go far enough to fix the drought. What the city ought to do is make lawns illegal. What do we need lawns for? Sure, they’re cute. But even if you don’t have a lawn in your yard, something else will come along and grow there. These are called weeds. If you mow weeds all the same height, they look remarkably like a lawn. And you don’t have to water them.

So let’s pass an ordinance making it a Class C misdemeanor to even have a lawn. We have a best-looking lawn competition in my neighborhood in far South Austin. Instead what we ought to have is a best-looking weeds award. I’ll volunteer to be one of the weed judges. As long as the judging doesn’t interfere with my hectic baseball-watching schedule.